The Power of Perspective: Choosing Positivity in the Caregiver Journey with Dom Brightmon - Episode 100
In this episode of the Caregiver Relief Podcast, host Diane Carbo sits down with self-leadership expert and author Dom Brightmon to discuss how caregivers can navigate their journey with a positive mindset. The conversation delves into the power of perspective, the difference between reaction and response, and the healing benefits of journaling and storytelling. Dom, a caregiver himself, shares personal experiences and offers practical advice to help listeners find hope and purpose amid the challenges of caregiving.
Key Discussion Points
1. Personal Journey to Self-Leadership 🌟 Dom shares his personal story, which began in late 2012, a year he calls his "setback sandwich year". He was inspired to pursue self-leadership after his father's Alzheimer's diagnosis, a car accident, and a negative performance review at work. These setbacks led him to discover personal development books, particularly those by John Maxwell, which ignited his passion for helping others lead themselves.
2. The Power of Perspective 🧠 Dom emphasizes that perspective plays a huge role in navigating tough seasons like caregiving. He highlights the importance of humor as a "darn near cure all" for difficult situations. He learned more about his father's decorated military service during his final years of caregiving, finding a different, deeper perspective on their relationship.
3. Reaction vs. Response 🤔 The episode explores the difference between reacting and responding when feeling overwhelmed. Dom explains that a reaction is often an angry default, especially when you are running on little to no sleep. A response, however, involves taking a breath and trying to get into the other person's world. Decisions made with emotion are often poor, so taking time to think before acting is crucial.
4. The RAVE Approach to Optimism ✨ Dom introduces his "RAVE" method for maintaining a positive outlook:
- Reading Great Material: Even small snippets of inspiring content from books or quotes can help.
- Audio Immersion: Listening to podcasts and audiobooks allows you to learn and stay uplifted while doing other tasks.
- Visual Stimulation: Watching old movies or listening to music with the person you're caring for can be rejuvenating.
- Encouragement: Encourage yourself and others, as everyone needs reminders of the great and honorable work they are doing.
5. Healing Through Journaling and Storytelling ✍️ Journaling is a powerful tool for decompressing and de-stressing, helping you get your internal thoughts out on paper or a screen. Dom recommends caregivers keep a "victory log" to track their daily wins, which serves as a powerful confidence booster. Sharing stories, even anonymously, can help other caregivers feel less isolated and provide solutions to common challenges.
6. The Importance of Community 🤗 Dom stresses that caregivers need to surround themselves with positive people and build a "community of defense". He highlights that aging can lead to a lack of friendships and relationships, and seeking out connections is vital for mental health. Host Diane Carbo also encourages caregivers to create a "care team partner support group" of people with a positive attitude to help with tasks and provide breaks.
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7. Simple Mindset Shifts for a Positive Outlook 🌅 Dom advises caregivers to focus on the long term, viewing their journey as a gift and a way to return the favor to their loved one. He also suggests that it's okay to be "selfish" and ask for help, as caregiving is a marathon, not a sprint. Diane adds that caregivers should not feel guilty about being grateful when their loved one's suffering ends, as it is a natural and common part of the journey.
8. Staying Grounded and Hopeful 🙏 Dom's favorite mantra is a quote from Ric Flair: "To be the man, you gotta beat the man," which he interprets as being better than you were yesterday. The episode concludes with a powerful message for caregivers: "Stay strong, stay hard-centered... give yourself the gift of solitude so you can masterfully serve the multitude".
Podcast Episode Transcript
Dom: Welcome to the Caregiver Relief Podcast, where we empower caregivers with the tools, inspiration and support they need to care for others without losing themselves in the process.
I'm your host Diane Carbo
and today we're diving into a conversation that I know will speak directly to the hearts of so many of you listening. My guest is Dominic Dom Brightmon, a certified self-leadership expert and personal development coach. Dom is passionate about helping others grow through the power of mindset, perspective, and storytelling.
As the host of the Going North Podcast and a bestselling author, he has empowered thousands of people to rise above challenges and lead themselves with confidence. So I invited Dom to join us today because I see what many of you are going through. I've been through this myself As caregivers, you're constantly putting others first, often neglecting your own health, your own dreams, and your own needs.
And worse, many of you feel like a failure if you ask for help. That needs to change. And in this episode we explore how a shift in perspective and the practice of choosing positivity can truly transform your caregiving journey. We'll also talk about the healing power of journaling, the clarity that comes through writing, and how stor telling your story can be an act of self-care and self-leadership.
So grab a notebook, find a quiet moment for yourself, and get ready to be inspired. Dom, I am really excited and I'm so grateful that you accepted my invitation. you're known for your energy and optimism, so let's start at the beginning. What drew you to self-leadership and the power of personal development?
Ooh, thanks. First of all, thank you Diane. I'm honored that you actually have me here. 'cause hey, when you invite me onto to your show, to me, something's working. At least that's what I say indeed.
But yeah, I got my start with self-leadership. I'd have to say definitely. I definitely wanna say it was at the end of 2012. I call that my setback sandwich year, because it was around end of July where my father at the time, he actually was diagnosed with Alzheimer's because he Wow. Went out for a drive, just a regular drive.
But he ended up getting lost and he was probably lost, probably good. 36 hours. And it comes to find out they were able to pull him off the side of the road, a police officer, 'cause he was driving on the wrong side of the road at town in Silver Spring, A good 40 minutes away from Baltimore. And I'm like, dude, how the heck he end up over there And after the diagnosis, about a month or some change, later on, my 21st birthday, got into a car accident on my way to my IT security class.
And then it gets even better to where. About a couple weeks after the accident, get called in to the office at the time at a job, part-time job at a local library. And boss called me and was like, Hey, you're, screwing up in all these areas, buddy. you gotta shape up here. I got all these new staff coming in and I held that job for about five years from starting from middle of high school all the way to college.
And they were like, Hey. Like folks will be looking up to you as a leader. And at the time I was of course frustrated. I had to meet with the boss for something like that. It's oh, I'm not getting a raise or promotion or like a gold star or something. It's oh no. It's it's one of those bad meetings like, oh darn.
It's oh, I guess I kinda did screw up. But the word leader stuck in my subconscious mind and. I realized I had some gold beneath my feet. I had my own acres of diamonds. I worked in the library, so I ended up one day when I was shoving a car going into the leadership section of the library and picking up one of John Maxwell's books, and I was enjoying what he was writing, and I just became a voracious reader after that to where I just basically devoured and a personal development, self-help, like positive psychology, things I could just find.
Folks like Brian Tracy and the late Great Zig Ziglar and so many others. Yeah. And eventually got certified with John Maxwell after joining Toastmaster International and just realizing, you know what, when it comes to motivation. Nowadays, anybody can be a motivational speaker and it's for business wise, it's not always a good thing to try to brand yourself as that.
So I figured, you know what? Lemme go ahead and go the brand of self-leadership, because from the cradle to the grave, we lead ourselves the longest and we have to really motivate ourselves to be the best that we can be. Yes, and the caregiving aspect, like it's really a hall of really a tall order to say the least.
Especially if you have no help when it's just you, like my mother was blessed at the time to be able to have me and my older brother to help with my dad and. Now my mom, she's, going through her thing right now, and now it's just, me and my brother now. So we have to be called up more to the main roster now 'cause of the caregiving and return the favor.
So really self-leadership just started from that setback year that actually became a setup for discovering personal development and actually applying at least some of what I was reading, as opposed to reading everything for entertainment. You've written books like Going North and Stay the course, both focused on growth and mindset.
what role does perspective play in navigating tough seasons like caregiving? Perspective plays a huge role because humor is basically darn near cure all. You have to have humor really as a situation. And the thing is, another thing about perspective is that my father with his Alzheimer's at the time, this was back in 2012, and he was a veteran.
He actually was a decorated. Soldier in the Army. He was actually in the 82nd Airborne Division. He was in the Korean War. Oh yeah. Yeah. there was just so much I didn't know about him. Like I knew he served and knew he spent time in the Airborne. He would have the airborne hats and the bumper stickers and everything.
But I didn't know how long and what he actually did. 'cause he had two combat jumps. World War ii and he got two bronze service stars, a bunch of medals and all these wonderful awards. And I'm like, dude, even the guy when we had to do all the veteran paperwork, he's Hey, this is a decorated man right here.
And he even had Negro on his darn DD two 14. I'm like, dude, I never heard that word in my life. that's Oh my God, I never heard that word in my life. So I'm like, dude, this was, and I'm 70.
It's just the way things were back then. Yes. Just learning about him and really it's, it was painful for all parties involved because. He didn't know he was sick, and we basically were all taking turns, making sure we don't drink, don't get drained completely to making sure that he stays all right, making sure we're all right.
And but the thing is I learned so much more about him and. Seeing the love that my parents had for each other, especially my mom, for my dad, like my dad definitely married up because a lot of spouses, especially in today's world, they would've divorced their spouse and probably would've left them in a nursing home or something.
But she stayed with them like she got her handicapped text 'cause she could barely walk at times just so we could. Some field metaphorically just crawled towards him when eventually we had to get him into a nursing care facility 'cause we just couldn't handle anymore. And he needed professional help because he had a couple bad falls and those bad falls.
When you're basically in your. Late eighties, early nineties, and darn near 90 to 110 pounds. Like those catch up to you. Yeah. So yeah, perspective is a wonderful thing, like being able to just think back of Hey, I was able to learn more about my dad in these past few years, helping to take care of him in his final days as opposed to the other, my goodness, I guess 20 other years I had a life.
As a nurse, I can tell you I have a wicked sense of humor and it, we can find humor in anything I'm even at death. And I know people don't understand that, but it is such a relief or a release for me. and I encourage everybody to have a sense of humor. I just, that's so important and it's hard for people to understand that, but when you're, you work with so much.
darkness, I will say, sadness and people in grief and shock. there has to be levity to bring people out of it. And, it's just the way it is. one of the silliest things we, when, I was young that we used to talk about when a person died in, in. the hospital, the first thing everybody does is open a window.
what are you opening a window for? Why would you do that? we're letting the spirits out now. You know what? That's a silly thing, and it made people laugh in the room. oh yeah, we got it. it's ridiculous. And whether it's true or not, we did it. So there are things like that. Now, Dom, you often talk about the difference between a reaction
and a response. So how can caregivers use this insight when feeling overwhelmed or frustrated?
Oh wow. Reaction to response. First time I got that question. I'm sorry. That's not to apologize for, that's a good thing. That means you're a great host. You're asking something different. But yeah, definitely reaction by reaction standards. The default. If you're drained and you're basically running on a little to no sleep, a reaction is gonna be definitely anger.
there have been times where it's hey. Yeah, because I remember once time, my dad had this hallucination one time that was so bad. He thought I was some little boy protecting him from poisonous watermelons one time, and when I was just helping him to get to bed, it was hilarious. Looking back at it at that time, I was like, wow, that's sure.
He got that idea from, and it was a taxing night because that was the day where I basically. I was working full-time at the time and I was volunteering with the Total Smash International Organization, a roll call area director, where I would oversee five separate clubs in an area. So I'd basically have a separate extra part-time job on top of that.
So 12 hours of. Dealing with people as an introvert, even though I'm a bit of an ambivert and having to come home and helping give my mom a break, and then just having a short fuse afterwards, it was like, oh, man. yeah, that definitely reaction to response is definitely making sure you take a breath for a moment and then trying to really get into their world for a second.
Now, I didn't know about the watermelon thing until I got back home from work the following day. My mom told me, he was like, Hey, like what? I was, oh, go ahead. no, go ahead. Go ahead, continue. oh yeah. So my, yeah, my dad was like, oh, man was so dumb. He was a, I thought he was trying to keep me away from the watermelons, but I found out they were poisonous.
I'm so glad he protected me from the poisonous watermelons,
Diane: and I just had to laugh back because I'm like, what? I don't, you know where this going. Alright. Whatever.
Dom: Dom a caregivers always respond with emotions. And one of the things I really encourage is, take, like you do, take a deep breath and breathe because. Decisions made with emotions are poor decisions. They lack knowledge, they lack common sense. So just don't make any decisions or choices or even respond to something until you take a deep breath and think, what am I thinking?
what makes sense? So I appreciate that because a reaction can be catastrophic where a response is a, logical, thought process to Every action and it's hard. Caregivers are tired, they're overworked, they're underappreciated. they often feel emotionally and physically drained.
So can you tell me how someone chooses positivity without invalidating the real struggles they face? Yeah, that's definitely an uphill one, like when it comes to really positivity, I like to share my four wonderful keys for rock solid optimism, and it's sending across the called Rave, RAVE. The R stands for reading Great material, but being a caregiver, don't have time for reading a whole big entire books, 500 pages, unless you got a relative or a friend or somebody willing to give you a break, but just reading great material, something to inspire you like heck.
Wonderful from the Good Book, the Bible, the book of Proverbs Heck, even John Maxwell books, Zig Ziglar. I know there's quote books out there too. I'm pretty sure there's Chicken Soup with the caregiver soul out there too. Yep. Like just reading great material. The A stands for Audio Immersion. Audio books are so popular these days along with podcasts and basically You're doing the A right now. If you're listening to this wonderful show with the wonderful host of the delightful Diane, it's Hey, inversing yourself with great audio content because. That's one of the ways we learn, and it's one of the ways that we're able to be mobile while we are basically in caregiving mode for fixing a meal or doing chores around the home.[00:15:00]
And then there's v visual stimulation where basically you're. Keeping something in front of you that helps you to be educated and also entertained, but also making sure that hey, making sure it's not all just entertainment the whole time. Making sure it's something that'll benefit you. And also spending time with whoever you're caregiving for.
If you're watching movies with that person, like I even. With YouTube nowadays, it's like a black hole you can get sucked into where you can end up finding old movies that you may not find on TV these days. 'cause there's so many channels. But it's not on demand. You could probably play some music that your person, that you caring for, that they really like and it takes their mind back at time because music is a time machine.
I'll tell you like it's amazing how if you play a certain song that someone remembers from a certain decade, it reminds 'em of that time and it. Rejuvenates them just a bit. It may not be a full rejuvenation, but just a bit, and it's really great. And the E is for encouragement, encouraging yourself and other people because if you're living and breathing, you need encouragement.
The reason why it's not just about encouraging others, it's also encouraging yourself because there's gonna be days where you're gonna forget, especially when you're running on little to no sleep. You have to always remind yourself. Sometimes put sticky notes around your desk space or your space where you usually congregate on.
Along the most, because the thing is we all need reminders and sometimes you may need to have a friend of your back corner or something to make sure to remind you like, Hey, you've done great things, or you're doing something really great. Especially nowadays where there are so many folks caregiving for their loved ones nowadays, and the numbers are just gonna increase.
So we all need reminders. Hey, you're doing something great and honorable, and to never forget that is truly a sacred duty. I wanna talk about journaling, 'cause you do talk about writing a lot. How has journaling helped you and how do you recommend caregivers use journaling to process emotions or find clarity?[00:17:00]
Ah, good question. Journaling is powerful. It's definitely healing because the thing is you're gonna have so much internal stuff going on after a while. Like you gotta find a way to really just. Decompress de-stress. So getting your thoughts down on paper helps you to not only de-stress, and there's studies out there, you can find 'em.
I can't quote 'em at the top of my head, but there's definitely studies out there showing that a, like when you definitely journal, there have been times that your mind feels more at ease because you're getting your thoughts out on paper. You're getting these stories out on paper and Yeah, well on your phone or your screen.
I know some folks don't want a hard writing, a hard journal, even though it's. Probably better for you in the long run, but just getting those thoughts out, down onto something tangible so that way we can use them for stories later. Because in addition to helping out my mom with caregiving, having a full-time job, being basically a part-time job, volunteer at Toastmasters, I was also writing a book, my first ever book going north, and I basically had to set aside time to where not only.
Journal and really decompress and reflect on my days, so that way I can have a better day tomorrow. It actually became content for a later date for future books and things like that. Heck, even a book I recommend for folks to pick up. I forgot the name of the author. She's an anthropologist. It's a book called Essential Questions, where it's this book of questions.
Scenarios to really say, especially if you're taking care of a parent or a loved one, where you're just really just asking them different questions and capturing their story. So that way it's another interactive activity for folks to do with the person they're caregiving for. If it's a relative, you can actually document that.
Save it for later. You can even write a book about that. And it doesn't even have to be a public one. It could be just one, like a book series just for the families just to document that history, so that way Exactly. You don't lose it. And then one day when you're retelling stories, you don't have to be like, oh yeah, you can just read the whole details here.
I don't have to retell it and forget like seven details outta the story.
I love that. I love that. I always recommend to my caregivers to start the day with, an attitude of gratitude. So I encourage them to write down, what are you grateful for today? if it's just that simple. and I do encourage journaling. In fact, I have a section on the website for caregiver stories because I want.
My caregivers to come, even if it's anonymous, to share their challenges, the obstacles, or even the good things that a good interaction or a moment that made a difference in their caregiving journey that they can share with others to encourage other caregivers that this happens.
There are, you can get through it and there are ways,if there is a challenge and they found a solution to the challenge that they're sharing it with others. And I think that's so important. So I really love that. Now, Dom, you've interviewed hundreds of authors on your going North podcast.
What have you learned from those conversations about healing through storytelling? Powerful question right there. Definitely one tip that really just sticks out to this day is really creating a victory journal. You mentioned earlier how it's good to start your day off with an attitude of gratitude.
And in a way, this is a playoff of that. I'm sure folks are familiar with gratitude journals, but also creating a victory log where you write down your wins for the day. It's okay. Oh, I love that one. A victory log. I love that. that's right. Indeed. It's hey, didn't have a reaction. I had a response today to the person, caregiver.
Four. I didn't make an emotional decision today. That's good. So write that down as a victory, was able to get more. Stuff done behind the scenes. I usually would today like, Hey, that's a victory. Like being able to have time to myself because a relative was able to come by and give me a break. Hey, that's a victory.
Just writing down those victories and keeping track of them, and that's a good confidence booster to look back on. It's kinda like with the power of journaling, you got content to look back over later. Like a victory log is a journal of proof of your Yeah. Past successes and it's really just the power of just.
Really that good perspective and making sure you keep it at the forefront, and that's one of the multiple ways to do it, is just keeping track of your wins. I've always been a list maker and I love, even when I was young, and I love being able to cross off something so that I can say I can see at the end I've accomplished things during the day.
'cause sometimes you just feel like you've been so busy all day long, but you never feel like you've accomplished anything. And I think that's really important. In fact, I know this is strange, but. My mom grew up, her parents owned a dry cleaners and my dad was a letter carrier and I love to iron. How crazy is that?
Why would you like that? But even as a young girl, I learned that, I, and I had to iron my dad's work shirts, starch em and everything, but I love ironing because I can actually start with a pal and of wrinkle clothes, hang them up, and they all look nice. And I've accomplished something and.
An ear as an ear early in my early childhood that gave me success and confidence to do something else. And I know that's just a silly example, but little things like that make a difference. They really do. Dom, many caregivers feel so isolated. What role does community and even listening to podcasts play in staying uplifted and connected?
Community is so important. Community is so important. Like really keep yourself around as many positive thinking people as you can. Definitely. Because that's, and that's protecting yourself too. Like we're definitely built and made for each other. Cre we're created for one another here. And Yes.
and that's really just for your overall health, especially your mental health. Like one of the. I'm imagining what the leading causes of that pesky Alzheimer's and dementia is really just a lack of friendships and relationships. Yes. Like the sucky part about aging is that you start to see friends and family pass on, and then it's like it gets down.
It starts dwindling down to where it's oh crap. I think it's just me. And sometimes folks don't feel like going out and making friends. So it's Hey, like basically create that wonderful community of defense for yourself. It's hey, seeking those relationships, those friendships, making sure you're being there for your relatives.
'cause my mother herself, like they were. Days where I would take my dad to doctor's appointments and I would take scenic routes around the state of Maryland, so that way it would give her a few hours to herself so that way she can relax. And one day I had him for a little longer than usual. She was like, Hey, all right out there?
Y'all been golf for roughly long? And I'm like, You need a break. I'm just giving him a ride, getting him a milkshake and just having him sightsee like you are. It's go and relax. So like God, God bless you for that. I'll tell you, I have more caregivers that have. Uninvolved siblings and judgmental, extended family members who are so cruel, uncaring, and insensitive to the needs of the family caregiver who's giving it all.
In fact, many of them are treated as if they are doing nothing, they're lucky to be able to stay home and take care of somebody. And that is so wrong. And so your mom was blessed that you did that. And I really encourage all my family caregivers to create what they call, what I call a care team, partner support group around you.
And that is a people with a positive attitude that will also help you get. Frequent breaks or help you do little things so you can focus on your caregiving if you need. so that's really important. So I love that your mom was very blessed to have you and she raised two good sons. God bless her.
And I love that as sons, there are not many men. There are. Lovely men out there that are so supportive and spousal caregivers are so good, but most men feel that it's women's work to take care of somebody. that's awful to say, but I'm from the generation where that was said all the time.
Now you get crucified if you say that, but it's still really, oh my god, a women's work. But,it's still an unsaid, expectation of women, daughters, wives, sisters all over the world. It is that is their main, that is their job is to take care of others. And,but I have to tell you, there are many men out there that have nurturing tendencies and are better caregivers than their wives would've been to them.
I've seen it all the time. Dom, what's one simple mindset, habit a caregiver could implement today that could gradually lead them to a more positive outlook? You got some great questions. Indeed. That's what I'm talking about. I know he's still podcasting, right? Indeed. Most folks quit at 10. You're like, you've done more than that.
Way more than that. For a good reason. You'll love to see it. I have to say one mindset shift. I'd have to say. Definitely focus on the long term and easier said than done. But really, I guess for pro wrestling fans, long term booking, long term storytelling where it's like, Hey, you're focusing on the goal at the end of the rainbow here, even though you feel like the rainbow is a path made outta rocks and barbed wire, there's a pot of gold at the end because it's like, Hey, you're gonna be.
Feeling a lot better that you did, as opposed that you didn't, because the thing is, it's especially like looking back and just the theme of this episode of perspective, like the way. Things worked out with my father. Like it's yeah, we, he ended up being in two separate nursing homes in his last, I wanna say that was his last six months of living.
And Wow. It's this was back in 2017 when he passed back in March and him passing away then it's I didn't wanna see him go, but. At the same time, it was probably best for him to go 'cause he was in so much pain. Yeah. And if he would've lived until COVID, I can only imagine the hell that we would've to go through with COVID and him being in a nursing facility at that time too.
So really just a perspective of hey, it's just basically seeing it as a gift. Seeing it as, hey, especially if it's a relative, like seeing it as a way to return the favor. if they're the grandmother, Hey, if they're really nice to you, they snook you some money. Even though the parents were like, probably, hey, don't take that, and then she still sticks it to you anyway.
Hey, just remember the good times because hey, if my mom right now, I just remember, I always try to keep in mind like age. Without her, I wouldn't be here. A lot of the success I have today is because of her, and I'm blessed to have my brother, Wayne, too, who helps out and basically helps take care of her so that way I can still basically work my day job, do my side hustle and guest on podcasts like this.
So just being grateful and keeping the long term vision in mind. God bless your brother. The one thing I would tell caregivers, to gradually lead to a more positive outlook is you need to be, it's okay to be selfish. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to feel human, be you're, this is a marathon, not a sprint.
And, I think many caregivers. Feel, failure if the, in fact, I know they do, if they ask for help. And, you just have to learn when you have the negative people in your life that, like the uninvolved siblings and the judgmental, family members, extended family members that you deserve. you're a person and you deserve to, to be treated as a person and you're not a, not, Not, you have needs too, and you need to meet those needs. And that means you have to, one of the things that caregivers do, Dom, is they neglect their outside friendships, everything like that. And it's really hard because every relationship and friendship is like a garden. You need to water it and give it attention.
let the sunshine come to it. And if you don't, they wither and die. I encourage family caregivers to really think about life after caregiving. And the caregiving journey can be on the average six years, it can be as long as 20 years. So I really encourage the family caregiver build that care team, partner group.
Let me know if you need help doing that, because I think that surrounding yourself with positive people that will support you along your caregiving journey is better because you can't give from an empty cop. You have to refill your spirit with good things in your life.
Dom, you've talked about humor is one of your secret weapons and I love that 'cause it is mine too. How can caregivers use humor? Not to escape, but to lighten the load?[00:31:00]
Oh yeah, definitely indeed. Definitely. Like the, nowadays, especially with my mom these days, always try to find the lightheartedness in any situation. Indeed. Heck, even back with my dad too. I remember one time we had to take him to the VA and. I'm not sure how it is now, but it was. They're like hell with that.
Just getting all that paperwork filled out and getting it approved and just some of the incompetence in that, in some areas where it was like, Hey, you go to a certain floor, they tell you to go back down six floors. Then you go back up and it's like, all Okay. So obviously next time I come here we're just gonna dodge him.
we ended up dodging him the next visit to see a psychologist, psychiatrist. And I remember once I'm in the office, the doctor,he had this accent, and my mom was like, yeah, my husband, he, he keeps on saying he's from these strange places. Like he's from a different planet. And the doc was like.
So what planet did you tell them? We all just
Diane: busted out
Dom: laughing after that. 'cause he was like, he kinda had a point. It's Hey, you kinda wanna know which planet he said, because it's like, Hey, on one hand it's if he says earth, that's good. But if he says another planet, it's at least he still knows a little science.
A little solar science side is great.
Diane: So it's Just humor
Dom: like that and being able to just do stuff like that. And sometimes absolutely. You even uncover humor too, so yes. I try to find humor in everything, because I just need a break, from the heaviness of the journey and, the reaction of a laugh or a giggle, is really positive response for your body.
As well. The hormones are change up and everything, and it gives you a more, actually promotes, you to have a more positive attitude if you can. I know that's strange, but you can make, you can make fun of something, even if it's silly and stupid or. Even if it's controversial at the time, open the window, hurry up and open the window, somebody's just died and you're worried about opening a window.
Why do you even care? it just breaks, it lightens it up and people laugh, 'cause I, we gotta let the spirit out. Just silly thing. Things like that. make a difference in, in people's lives, and so many caregivers gets drug down. They forget about the light side of life, and I wanna help them.
That's why I'm so glad you're here with me today. Not only do you have the experience, but you have the knowledge of how to overcome this. your books are deeply motivating. If a caregiver were to write their own story, what would you advise? you give them to start the journey? Definitely, indeed.
Powerful question. Definitely. I like to say the quickest way to really getting a book done, if you follow through with it, is basically start with an outline. Definitely start with an outline. 'cause eventually, if you were doing some journaling in the past You can always just match up certain stories with whether ever points in your outline.
So like the introduction. Do maybe nine points for nine separate chapters and a conclusion. Just really just highlighting the story and just really just piecing things together with that outline. That's been based, that's how I got my first book done is that basically I wrote my outline out.
I basically put a thought at the top of a certain page like, Hey, so this is my thought on self-care. lemme just go ahead and write everything I know about self-care. Went to leadership. Everything I know about leadership, just writing all those things down and just really piecing them together in a way, editing twice in a way, so that way once I get.
But basically the rough draft done and then that's submitted to the editor. They can basically work their magic, make it a lot more polished and sound a lot better and everything like that. So really just having that outline and creating that outline and. Piecing those stories together and always writing and also being open to ideas like finding humor in anything which you mentioned earlier.
That's true. And also inspiration can come outta nowhere. So you have to make sure you ink it when you think it. So let's say, make sure you have your recording app ready on your phone to record an idea, or at least keep a notebook or a notepad in your car. At least two pens in case one of 'em goes out. I don't know if you're aware Dom, but there is a program with the, Smithsonian Institute, it's StoryCorps, S-T-O-R-Y-C-O-R-P-S.
And they, like when I was listening to you about learning about your dad and his medals and things, and so many vets came home and they just put that. They compartmentalized that side of their life and they never shared these stories. and the story and StoryCorps encourages you to write those stories down or record them and give them to the Smithsonian for, for preservation for the future.
So I really like that and I think that our caregivers really need to do that too, because people don't understand the struggles. That they go through and, the successes and the failures they have, but also, like you were talking about the relief of your dad. you accepted his death. It's the anticipatory grief.
Alzheimer's or all dementias really are very challenging and they give you hope because you have a moment of human connection where everything looks perfectly normal and then. In a second later, everything's changed and they don't know who you are again, or they don't remember where they are, those types of things.
And it just constantly gives you hope. And that heart wrenching up and down that people experiences, gets to a point where you're tired, you're weary, and. you accept that their death has come and even though it is a massive loss and it's you're, but you're ready for it because your spirit's tired and,you're not able to give anymore.
Plus, that they're not who they used to be. That's hard. the body is just a vessel, but their spirit of who they were has changed. And that's why I love, what you promote about writing and journaling and thinking positive because, nobody should feel grief if they're, Grateful or accept death right away. it's a process and it's very common. it's a relief and it's part of you is you are tired, you have needs to be met, and, you've done what you could for the best you could for as long as possible. And, Now the body's gone, the spirit's gone, and now it's time to focus on you.
and I think that's really important for caregivers to realize that they shouldn't feel guilty about being grateful that their loved one died, especially if they've had pain and. and bad at chronic, with Alzheimer's, there's so many things, the challenging behaviors and they're there, but they're not, and it's very challenging.
Dom, what's your favorite quote or mantra that helps you stay grounded and hopeful, especially in the tough times?
you might laugh at this, but,it, it's a quote by Rick Flair to be the man. You gotta beat the man. You gotta be better than what you were yesterday. I love
finding humor. yes. And I really encourage my, my. My, caregivers to find a mantra,as part of their stress management, to get through, I think I can, I think I can. or, the, those types of things. Whatever makes you feel like you can move forward and, get through those times.
I love yours. Yours is fun.
Now, Dom, finally, what message would you love to leave with every caregiver who's listening today? the message. I love to leave caregivers. Definitely I. Stay strong, stay hard, censored, and it's easier said than done, but also, yes, take care of yourself. Because the thing is you have to remember to always check in with yourself before you check in with the world.
You have to really give yourself the gift of solitude so you can masterfully serve the multitude. And it all starts with you. Self leadership is about leading yourself effectively and. Make sure you give yourself at least a good five minutes, at least a good five minutes. if it's with somebody, if they're asleep still, find a way to give yourself a good five minutes of quiet time to really just take a deep breath, do some deep breathing, do light meditation, journaling, just doing something, prayer especially for my faith-based folks out there, keeping that in mind at the forefront.
So basically give yourself that gift of solitude so that way you can masterfully serve the multitude. I love that. Thank you. Now, before we go, I want every caregiver to know there is an area on the caregiver relief site, caregiver stories, and I encourage you to share your stories, your challenges, the obstacles you face, and even the successes, as Dom says, the victories of every day with others.
Together we can choose positivity to help us even in our darkest moments. And remember. You are the most important part of the caregiving journey. Without you, it all falls apart. So please learn to be gentle with yourself, practice self-care every day because you are worth it.
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Diane Carbo
