The Mind-Body Connection: Thriving Through Life's Challenges with Beth Kurland PhD Clinical Psychologist, Mind-Body Coach - Episode 124

Are you feeling the constant pressure of caregiving? The endless to-do lists, the emotional weight, the feeling of being stuck in "go mode"? If you've ever felt like your mind is racing and your body is paying the price, this episode is a must-listen for you.

In our latest conversation on the Caregiver Relief Podcast, I had the honor of speaking with Dr. Beth Kurland, a clinical psychologist and mind-body coach with over 30 years of experience. We dive deep into the mind-body connection and explore small, powerful ways to break free from chronic stress and find moments of peace, even on the hardest days.

Dr. Kurland shares not only her professional expertise but also her personal wisdom, making this a conversation filled with both practical tools and deep humanity. Ready to find your calm?

What We Explored in This Episode 📝

Here’s a look at the incredible insights and tools Dr. Kurland shared.

Understanding Your Nervous System's "Zones" 🚦

Dr. Kurland breaks down how our autonomic nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety or threat. She introduces a simple stoplight analogy to understand the three states we can be in:

• 🟢 The Green Zone: This is your state of regulation and social engagement. You feel safe, calm, and connected.
• 🟡 The Yellow Zone: The "fight or flight" response. Your system mobilizes energy to deal with a perceived threat, leaving you feeling anxious or revved up.
• 🔴 The Red Zone: The "freeze" response. When things become too overwhelming, your system shuts down, leaving you feeling numb, exhausted, and unable to move forward.

The goal isn't to avoid the yellow and red zones, but to learn how to gently guide yourself back to green.

Your Mind-Body Toolkit: Simple Practices to Reset Your System 🛠️

You don't need an hour to meditate to make a difference. Dr. Kurland emphasizes the transformative power of "small moments, many times." Here are some of the tools she shares in the episode:

• 💧 The Glass of Water Analogy: Holding a glass of water for a minute is easy. Holding it for three hours causes immense strain. The same goes for stress. This powerful metaphor reminds us of the importance of finding small moments to "set the glass down."
• 😮‍💨 The Power of the Exhale: Did you know that when you're stressed, focusing on a long, slow exhalation is more effective than taking a big gasp of air? It sends a direct message to your brain that says, "Hey, it's safe to relax."
• 🔦 The Flashlight Tool: Your mind can get stuck in loops of criticism or worry. The "flashlight" is a metaphor for mindful awareness. By simply noticing your thoughts ("I'm having the thought that I'm not doing enough"), you create space and loosen their grip.
• 🌳 The Tree with Roots Meditation: A beautiful guided practice to help you feel grounded, stable, and connected to your circle of support, even when you feel alone.
• 🔍 The Magnifying Glass Tool: Our brains are like "Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones." The magnifying glass is a tool to intentionally notice and absorb the small, positive moments in your day that can nourish your nervous system.

The Power of Self-Compassion 🤗

So often, we speak to ourselves with a harsh inner critic. Dr. Kurland reminds us that our feelings are human and valid. She encourages asking, "What would I say to a good friend in this situation?" and then offering that same kindness to yourself. This small shift can make space for healing and build resilience.

This conversation is packed with gentle, actionable advice that you can start using today. Learning to work with your nervous system, not against it, is a game-changer for any caregiver.

Find Dr. Beth Kurland:

• Website: bethkurland.com (Here you can find her blog, resources, audio courses, and contact information).
• Books: Check out her award-winning books, including You Don't Have To Change Everything and The Transformative Power of 10 Minutes, on Amazon and other major booksellers.

Dancing on the Tightrope: Transcending the Habits of Your Mind & Awakening to Your Fullest Life: Kurland, Beth: 9781942497431: Amazon.com: Books

Dancing on the Tightrope: Transcending the Habits of Your Mind & Awakening to Your Fullest Life [Kurland, Beth] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Dancing on the Tightrope: Transcending the Habits of Your Mind & Awakening to Your Fullest Life

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To all the caregivers listening, remember: You are the most important part of the caregiving equation. Please take a moment for yourself today. Be gentle with yourself, because you are worth it. ❤️

Podcast Episode Transcript

Diane: Welcome to the Caregiver Relief Podcast, where we share stories, strategies, and inspiration to help caregivers and those navigating life's challenges to find balance and hope. I'm your host, Diane Carbo, rn,

Diane: and today I'm thrilled to welcome Dr. Beth Kurland, a clinical psychologist. A TEDx speaker and mind body coach with more than 30 years of experience in helping people cultivate whole person wellness.

Beth is also the author of four award-winning books, including You Don't Have To Change Everything. And the transformative power of 10 minutes. Today we're diving into the fascinating world of the mind body connection, exploring how to break free from chronic stress, calm the nervous system, and thrive even in life's most difficult moments.

Beth also brings her personal perspective, having recently lost her father after his time in hospice to remind us of the deep humanity in this work. So let's get started. Beth, thank you so much for spending time with us today. I have to tell you, thank you for having

Beth: me.

Diane: Yeah, I appreciate

Beth: it.

Diane: I'm really excited about this topic because when I was in nursing school, now that is like 52, 53 years ago, we had eight weeks of psych, psych, a psych.

Psychiatric rotation. And during that whole eight weeks, everything we were taught was about a mind body connection and disease. Really? Yes, it was. Wow. And I learned to think of that way, and I guess they've gotten away from that because I don't see that much anymore. Yeah. I'm surprised to hear that's really interesting that, that's absolutely.

So I'm really, in interested in this topic because I think it's sorely needed and people need to know about the connection of the mind and the body. So you've been working in the ma mind body wellness field for over three decades. What first drew you to explore the connection between our thoughts, emotions, and physical health?

Beth: I feel like. Really in college was my first experience with meditation. and various, guided imagery practices as well at that time. And there was just something about it that really spoke to me that, It drew me in that wanted me to learn more. And then I also had the, I consider it quite a gift actually of working with some incredibly skilled therapists that I was in therapy, at that time in my life.

Yeah. Over, decades really with different people who used mind body modalities in their. practice and they're working with me so that we would, it wasn't just talk therapy, but it was also just really experiencing, it's one thing to hear about the MINDBODY connection, but it's another thing to really experience it.

and I guess I'll just mention in that context in some ways of what really shaped me, my. You did mention, my dad recently passing away. Yeah. I'm so sorry, Julie. Oh, thank you. And, I appreciate your Yeah. Just kind exchange that we had around that, off, earlier. But, but my mom died when I was 15.

still, in high school at that time,in a car accident, so it was a very sudden kind of a thing. And so there was a lot of grief and trauma that I think I held at that time, and through these mind body practices later on in my life, it really helped me get to a different level of healing.

That. Was possible. so just I think some of my own experiences and then starting to bring this into my practice with patients. And what's interesting is, your experience, you said whatever when you were in nursing school. Yeah. But my experience of. So this would be like the late 1990s I think.

I'm trying to, remember timing of, graduate school, et cetera. and doing my, internship. But, at that point there wasn't in, in my training, a lot of focus on mind body practices and yet. Over time, I was finding how powerful this was. Started bringing it into my practice into the therapy room, but was afraid to really talk about it too much because it wasn't, it was considered a little woo.

this idea of meditation or other even EMDR. Which I'm not trained in, but that is a trauma-based modality there. That was consider. And would you tell them what that means, please? Or, I, it's an eye movement. Eye, yes. desensitization, thank you. That, yeah. That is a trauma-based treatment, which involves calling up certain memories and moving your eyes on certain patterns, and it, Again, back in the, when it first came out, it was considered a little bit Ooh. Went out there. But what's been fascinating over. All of these years I've been in practice is increasingly all of these mind-body practices have become very evidence-based. And so a lot of research and science to support.

That,

Diane: while I learned there was a connection to the mind and the bodies and we, they would say, let's just say somebody with arthritis may have it because of a, of something in their thought process. We never got into the modalities. We just learned that it's a possible, It's just possible that the stress levels in people and their anxiety can cause these conditions in people.

But I learned very early that there is a mind-body connection, but. That was in, I'll tell you what, I was in nursing school from 71 to 74, so you know, 'cause I went to diploma school at first, so I can tell you that. But we didn't get into all that, stress management and meditation. But for those who are, may not be familiar, how do you define the mind-body connection?

Beth: Just on a most simple level We often separate those, but in fact, the mind and body are constantly working together. So just a really simple thing, you could, anybody listening right now could try is to take a moment and think about something that really stresses you out.

maybe something that, happened in your week or just a real hassle. Or nuisance or. Maybe it's an argument you just had with somebody and as you call that up in your mind, to just drop into the body, to bring some awareness into the body and notice what happens. Often people tense up, our muscles contract, our breathing can change.

We can often have more shallow breathing when we're calling even to mind, even if it's not happening right now. But just in our. Memory, calling that up. yeah, we can feel our breathing change. And and you could let me flip it around and say, think about a time when you felt really at peace and a sense of serenity.

And ease. And maybe somebody might think about sitting in a beach or being by beautiful lake or, spending time with a loved one and noticing what happens in the body. And there's very different sensations that, that most people feel. So there's something that happens or are thoughts are connected to messages that get sent to our body.

And our body. The messages that our autonomic nervous system is picking up. Also gets sent up to the brain. So there's this very intricate interchange of information.

Diane: So can you explain what's happening when the auto autonomic nervous system, what, when we're experiencing chronic stress, what happens to our bodies?

Beth: Yeah. So if you think about it like this, that there's the, our autonomic nervous system acts in some ways as a surveillance system. That it's it. It's often below the surface of our awareness that all of this is happening, and as we go through our day, there's this constant scanning. Of for cues of threat and danger or for cues of safety.

And this was really adaptive, and it makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. Yes. That, the, the nervous system is scanning. Do I see something on the horizon that's moving that, that looks like a tiger to me? and the brain then decides what kind of resources do I need to allocate to,

deal with this situation at hand. Yes. if I'm perceiving something off in the horizon, and sometimes we can, our nervous system picks it up before we even cognitively process that. Yep. but it then can decide, is this something where we need to activate our survival circuits?

And those survival circuits, first and foremost, give us energy to try to fight or flee. Whatever that. again, this was designed really for external physical threats. Yeah. To the heart rate goes up, the blood pressure goes up, stress cubicles get released into the body, the muscles tense.

All of these physical changes happen to prepare us to essentially fight or flee a predator. Now, in our modern day, often it's not external. Physical dangers that are lurking as much as more psychological ones or even just, being stuck in traffic or having too much to do and not enough time, or, my goodness, the stress of taking care of a loved one who Is dealing, with. Health issues or all of these kinds of things that can be perceived as cues of threat. And sometimes, certainly very real stressful situations that many of us, and I'm sure your listeners are dealing with. but the way that gets read at the. At the level of the autonomic nervous system is, that uhoh, there's some kind of cue of threat and we need to try to mobilize.

And so this stress response gets put in motion and sometimes, when things feel very overwhelming, a different. Part of our circuitry, that part of that survival circuitry gets turned on, which puts us more of in a shutdown mode. Yeah. so either we can have this surge of energy or sometimes we can have, more of a freeze response or just feel so overwhelmed that, it's hard to do anything.

It's hard to move forward, it's hard to mobilize to, move through our day and that. That is also part of our survival system. and I think of that the fight or flight response, if we call it our yellow zone, if you will. okay. That we can have these three different zones that we can operate in.

So one is our yellow zone. That kind of warning. Warning there's some danger here and we're trying to mobilize to see if we can, fight it,or run away from it. if it gets very overwhelming, the red zone, let's shut it down, a stoplight a freeze response.

This is just too much. and so then we, our energy decreases and it's hard to mobilize or really move forward. And then when our nervous system is. Picking up that there's enough cues of safety around us and safety I'm not using here necessarily. yes, physical safety of course, right? Yeah. But also just some sense that I can handle.

What's here, or this is manageable. or could be, a lot of cues of safety can come from others. So a caring presence of another person can be huge cues of safety. Yeah. there's other things we can talk about as far as that, but. But when our nervous system senses enough safety to manage the circumstance, a different part of our circuitry gets turned on.

And I think of that as our green zone. And that's like where we're in more of a, our nervous system is in more of a regulated state. and I wanna just throw out maybe one more analogy. I'm all about metaphors and analogies and just ways of thinking about this. Yes. If you think about driving a car, and if you, if your foot was.

pressed on the accelerator and the accelerator was stuck. And so all you could do was go 60 miles an hour. Constantly. There'd be a lot of wear and tear and that would be hard to navigate. driving like that. Yes. at the same time, if your f if your foot was on the brake and you were trying to move forward, that would be a very jerky ride, or you wouldn't be able to.

Move forward too easily and that's representative of our yellow and red zones. But if you could gently tap on the brakes when you need to, and you can press on the accelerator when you need to, and you get, you can have this nice, smooth, regulated ride that's equivalent to our nervous system, that is in more balance and regulation.

Diane: So why do you think it's difficult for so many of us? I'm guilty of this as well, especially caregivers to reset from the fight, flight, or freeze mode. That why is it hard to do that? Yeah. Why is it difficult

Beth: to do that? Yeah, and I guess I wanna emphasize one thing just to make sure that people understand being in that fight, flight or freeze mode is, it's not.

It's not bad. I do not look at it as good or bad or label it with any judgment at all. It's part of our human condition and sometimes those responses can actually be quite adaptive depending on circumstances. So it's really, but like you're bringing up. How do we shift back to the green zone? How do we exactly recalibrate and find those moments where we can come back into regulation?

And that's what,I think is, an important question. And so why do we get stuck there? I can speak for myself. I'm somebody who. HA tends to be wired. Definitely more type A, definitely have anxiety. That's, I think by temperament or what, whatever genetics that Uhhuh, I had some good dose of that there, running in the background for me.

And, and life experiences. gosh, I feel like now maybe even more than ever, I just am hearing so many people experiencing stress on all kinds of levels. So yeah, personally,the sandwich generation or people who are, dealing with adult children and whatever challenges may come there, but then aging parents and having very real challenges and things to take care of.

and pains and grief and, and, just turning on the news or, other things that are happening in our personal lives so we can be bombarded and actually even just the technology that we are bombarded with on a constant basis. Exactly. And keep our nervous system revved up and sometimes locked in a state of stress.

And sometimes we get so used to it that we forget or don't even realize that we're, oh, this is not. Normal. The, this is not, this the regulated state that I could be in. 'cause I forgot what that even feels like.

Diane: I don't know if you're aware, But 63% of family caregivers become seriously ill or die before the person they're caring for.

And that all that on your

Beth: website?

Diane: Yes. That's astonishing to me. And it's because. They put so much. The typical caregiver is also a people pleaser. Not all of them are, but a lot are. They are also the one and only that is providing care. Many of them have ex judgmental extended family members or uninvolved siblings.

And, they are, they and they feel as if they're failures if they ask for help. And, so they're in this state of chronic stress. So can you give us some small, realistic practices that people can use during the day to maybe bring their nervous system back into balance?

Beth: Yeah. So I wanna speak,I'll.

Answer that question and maybe that's fine book back in my mind. 'cause you're saying something important about some of the thoughts that people can experience about Yes. their own self-judgment. Yeah. and that kind of thing as well. So we can come back to that, please. Yes, absolutely.

But I,Let me start by saying, sometimes I'll do this when I give a talk, and I heard this many years ago. Somebody, a psychologist did this when they were presenting at a workshop and I've heard this other places as well, so I've taken this with me, but I'll hold up a glass of water.

and just ask people to say, how heavy is this glass of water? And people call out, oh, one pound, so many ounces, two pounds, whatever. and then what I'll say is, it really depends on. How long I'm holding the glass of water for, if I'm holding it, if I'm holding it for a minute, it's not very heavy.

If I'm holding it for a half hour, it's gonna start to feel pretty heavy, and if I'm holding it for three hours without setting it down, my arm is gonna be so exhausted I won't even be able to hold it anymore. That's a good analogy. Wow. That's powerful. Yeah, so I, I think so many of us, and there's such real reasons why people.

Have a lot that they're holding. Yeah. But this idea that nonetheless, even with whatever our life circumstances are, that going back to then this question you asked, how can we essentially set down that glass of water, even if it's just for a few minutes? Yes. It doesn't, I wanna really emphasize this idea of small moments many times, something that.

I've heard from some of my meditation teachers. I love that. Yeah. That it's not because I say, my God, I don't have a half hour to meditate, or I don't have a half hour to go to a yoga class, or, but some of those small moments can really help to reset our nervous system. So what can we do?

I, there's definitely not a one size fits all kind of thing. Yes. I think that really important that each person find what works for them. Yeah. But certainly from the research and the science and understanding the mind body connection, one very powerful way into that, autonomic nervous system and to helping us get to the green zone can be using various breath practices.

Not everybody. And a caveat here just to say not everybody resonates with the breathing practices or for some people it could increase anxiety. So that's important just to, for people to recognize that. Okay. But for many people, I. Be, and I do this in my office often with my patients. that will just take a few minutes and we'll slow things down.

And I'll often start actually by just bring, having people bring their awareness into their body and begin before we even move to the breath, to just feel sensations of their feet resting on the ground. Because our nervous system likes things that are stable. Yes. And the ground is a nice, stable place that, we can always, we, because of gravity, because of, our human experience, we can always find the ground.

and so really just bringing and noticing sensations that the soles of the feet, like what does it feel like to be connected to the earth? What does it feel like maybe there, there's. just sense of warmth or there's a little gentle pressure or tingling or whatever that is. And just noticing that and then bringing awareness.

If somebody is seated, we can start to notice like the chair behind my back or the chair underneath me, and feeling into the support. So those things can be cues of safety for the nervous system just right off the bat. And then we can begin to expand the awareness to the breath and just become aware that we're breathing.

Which we don't often exactly notice that. Yes. and as we bring awareness to the fact that we're breathing, often the breath begins to naturally slow down and deepen a little bit on its own. And from there, especially if somebody's feeling more anxious or stressed We can work with slowing down the exhalation.

So a lot of people may have heard this idea of take a deep breath and That's gonna help you out when you're stressed. But when I ask people, in an audience to take a deep breath, most people do this. They, I. Suck in a lot of oxygen. Yeah. Yeah. They take in, a lot of oxygen.

They focus on the inhalation. Yeah. That actually presses on the accelerator that Oh wow. Yes. That revving up that sympathetic nervous system. That's part of mobilizing our energy. And if we're already anxious and stressed, what we wanna do is focus on the exhalation. We wanna. Make that exhalation slower than the inhalation.

So what I'll instruct people to do is to just breathe in very naturally through the nose without taking in any extra. deep kind of sucking in air and then maybe through purse lips, or imagining they're blowing out through a straw, or it could be through their nose, is just making their exhalation a few counts longer than their inhalation, and repeating that for, a minute or two or three, and that sends messages to the nervous system.

Actually from the nervous system to the brain that says, Hey, it's safe to relax down here. We're not being chased by any tigers. And it actually, there's a connection with this vagus nerve. I won't get too technical, but to the connects with, the nodes on the heart so that every time we exhale, we are actually slowing down our heart rate.

And that gives those cues of safety. That helps the body to relax a little bit. So that's just one. Example,

Diane: I've looked at your material and you often talk about mental habits that keep stress going. So what are some common ones and how can people begin to change them?

Beth: Yeah. so I think you named some.

Yeah. Helpful examples of this idea that we have this little inner critic. Yes. inner voice. Often it's cri critical. Yes. And when it's not being critical, often it's distorted. It can be exaggerated, it can catastrophize, it can pull us into the future, often into this what if place of. Things that aren't actually happening now.

Yep. But going into all kinds of mental scenarios, some

Diane: caregivers live in a state of guilt.

it's it, they feel guilty. They're not doing enough. they're not doing it the right way. And I always say guilt's a negative emotion. It's a wasted emotion because it negates all the good you do.

So get rid of it. And it's not that easy, but,

it just, I want them to be aware that, there are things you can do to change your thought process so you don't feel that way.

Beth: Yeah, and what I emphasize with people is that sometimes, it's wonderful if we, if we could get rid of some of those negative thoughts, that would be lovely, but often those thoughts can be there, and so it's.

Not always so much about getting rid of, but about how can we relate differently to those thoughts? And so one tool that I like to talk about so that the first tool that I often talk to people about is a tool of an anchor. And that is like. What I referred to as say the breath as a kind of an anchor or using some mind-body tools to help anchor the nervous system, to, it is like a ship dropping its anchor in the middle of a storm so it doesn't get blown out to sea, right?

That we stop, drop and stabilize, but then this tool of a, a flashlight. And if you think about, walking in a pitch black room and there's furniture and you're trying to get from point A to point B, you're probably gonna be tripping and stumbling and maybe hurting yourself as you go.

But if somebody hands you flashlight, suddenly the room's illuminated and you could see more clearly. Now, those obstacles don't disappear, but you can navigate with greater ease. Okay? And this flashlight is a metaphor for mindful awareness, If we can become aware of the thoughts that we're saying to ourselves To remember to turn on that flashlight. Because a lot of times, we're saying these things to ourself, but we're not really aware that we're, it's just part of what we do in the course of a day. yes. And, so if we can remember to turn on this flashlight and start to notice, oh my gosh, Lemme just really listen to what are the things I'm saying to myself. How are these words affecting my body? Is this really true? or is this a mental construct that my mind is yes, generating it can help to create a little bit of space between us and our thoughts. And in that space, we have more choice about how do we wanna move forward.

And so I wanna just do a little. Very short exercise with some of the statements. let's say somebody says to themself,what's wrong with me that I'm not doing enough, or, I shouldn't be feeling this way,

Diane: or, I think that's a common one with caregivers. Absolutely.

Beth: Yeah. or, I'm so stupid that I messed up, or, So I'll have people say those statements to themselves or even out loud and just feel what happens in their body when they say, I'm so stupid that I messed up. What's wrong with me that I did this, or, I forget the other one I just said. But,any of these common.

Statements that people might say, what's wrong with me? That I'm feeling this way, right? And so just to say that and notice what happens in the body, and then to pull out the flashlight and just add a little phrase to say, I notice that I'm having the thought that what's wrong with me, that I'm feeling this, or I notice that I'm having the thought that I'm so stupid that I did this thing.

Or I notice that I'm having the thought that I'm, I, I am, guilty because of X, Y, Z. Yeah. And so just that, being able to name it that way and. In the process of noticing, it just helps us take that little step back to loosen the grip Of some of those thoughts that can spiral us. It doesn't, it's not a magic pill, but it's a start.

it's a place where we can just begin to recognize, maybe. This is just something that habitually I've been saying to myself over and over. and then we can query a little bit more and say, if this was happening to a good friend Would I be thinking the same thing or would I

Diane: be really good point.

Yeah. Looking

Beth: at this in a

Diane: very different way. Yes. I often tell my caregivers, change your perspective, you change your life. And absolutely, I so many of them have a hard time changing that perspective. And,your book, the Transformative Power of 10 Minutes offers a structured approach. Can you share an example of a practice that listeners could try today?

Beth: Yeah. I have one exercise in there where it's actually in that, actually both that book and you don't have to change everything, which is my newest book, Uhhuh. There are guided meditations that go, that people can actually access when they purchase the book. That, that there's a link, in there to actually follow some meditations.

But so in the transformative power of 10 minutes, I have, I. A meditation that I believe I called like the tree with roots meditation. and this is one that I do often with patients and I get a lot of feedback that it can be really, that people experience it just in a really helpful way. and I've done different variations of this, but this is just a, A variation that's coming to mind for me now. But I'll have people sit and often close their eyes if they're comfortable, but they don't have to. and really again, beginning by bringing awareness to the feeling of the feet on the ground and beginning to breathe in and out, and imagining that as they breathe in to picture that there's roots coming out through the soles of their feet.

And these roots are spreading down deep into the ground, spreading far and wide creating as if their body is The. Strong, stable tree above ground. And this root system is keeping that tree steady and stable and safe. And so that as they begin to breathe, they draw up nourishment through those roots up into their body all the way from their feet, all the way up to their head.

And then as they breathe out, feeling the light of the sun shining down and bringing nourishment. To the, to this metaphorical tree going back from head all the way down to the roots. And so just establishing this sense of feeling rooted, of feeling the strong, stable foundation.

And then often I'll have people imagine that their roots represent the people. And things in their life that are of some support to them. So it could be a family member or a friend or even, a doctor who, or who's been supportive or a hospice, Care, an institution or, really anything else in their life, a pet or.

Whatever it might be, and so that as they draw up nourishment through the roots, they're connecting in with this circle of care around them, and it's some sense of not being alone in whatever they might be going through.

Diane: That's such a beautiful concept because one of the things we as a culture and society have lost is a sense of community in a lot of ways,

we feel the aging seniors don't wanna feel like a burden to their family, their family members. But in a society where. We all are, a community. you help with the babies, you help with the elderly, and it's not a burden, it's an expectation. And, we have lost that because so many of us live in other parts of the country.

so I really like that, that, method I, it just gives 'cause so many of them feel like they're alone.

Beth: Yeah.

Diane: And,

Beth: I was gonna say, just in terms of this idea of anchoring the nervous system, when we can connect in with that and practice it when we're not in. Emergency situations or really high stress situations, and we can call it up a bit more easily when we are in those high stress situations.

I remember a particular time where my husband was many years ago, and he's perfectly fine now, but in this moment he ended up in the emergency room with some very, scary symptoms. Not sure what was going on. And I was driving there. I did, I had my GPS on, I didn't know how to get there.

So I couldn't even call anybody who I might have called, reached out to somebody or tried to just keep me like grounded. But, but just being able to call up in my mind this circle of care around me and just trying to slow down my exhalation and breathing in and feeling this sense of support around me, even though.

Those people weren't actually there in the moment. it helped to bring just enough, regulation into my nervous system that, that sort of helped me get through that really difficult moment. but the whole idea of, Something I wanted to go back to that was so important that you said that people sometimes are afraid to reach out for help or feel like they shouldn't, or that somehow I should be able to do this on my own.

Yes. Yes. I see that as well, very commonly. and I think the opposite is so true that first of all, we all need, Support and we are wired first and foremost for connection. Yes. and other people's nervous systems as supportive people in our lives can really help to regulate our nervous systems.

There's a whole co-regulation and this whole physiological thing that goes on between two people on a very, bodily level. and so just being able to. Recognize it's okay to feel what one feels. Oftentimes too, people feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way. I should, if I was stronger I wouldn't be having these emotions or, and, our emotions are just part of our human experience.

and yes. As a psychologist who's been in the room with hundreds of people over 30 years. Wow. I see how common or common humanity is, and so for people to know that whatever emotions are there that just makes you human, and that it really is. Okay. Important to find some modes of connection, whatever exactly that might be.

and in. And the reality is that a lot of people feel, I don't wanna ask for help, I don't wanna burden somebody. But the reality is that most people want to be able to help another person. Yes. And it actually makes, and some research has shown, it makes that person feel better. Absolutely. It actually gives them a boost of positive chemicals.

so you may be doing a favor by actually asking for help.

Diane: one of the problems some caregivers have, not all of them, but when they do ask for help. They feel like they have to control the person. They're that the helper and they want it done their way. And, and I have to remind, my caregivers, Hey, as long as the end result is the same.

It, we could have different paths to get there. And don't be so cr hypercritical of whoever's helping 'cause they won't wanna come back. Be patient, bite your tongue, whatever. Because the goal is you want a break, you need and, but you also want the best possible care. And, a lot of them have a hard time letting go of that, the, that role of Yes, caregiver.

and that they're the only ones that can provide the best possible care. And that's another issue that so many have. and, so it, it sometimes they just need a nudge to say, Hey. As long as we get from A to B and we may have to go a wiggly wi wide path. Or some people go straight to straight through like you do, but let them find their way and just know that the end result is what you're looking for, how they get there, it doesn't matter.

And I think people have a hard time. Some caregivers really have a hard time with that. It sounds like you

Beth: have a lot of really helpful advice and that this show, I imagine is so immensely helpful for caregivers. I

Diane: hope so. caregivers are stressed and, there's no respite care available, affordable for them, and there's so many things that they can do to improve their.

caregiving journey. That's why it's so important for, like, when I saw about the mind body connection and what you do, I was like, oh my gosh, I have to have Beth come and And share her knowledge with my caregivers because, they. I don't care if, they just get one little piece that, oh my God, I need to take care of myself from this.

Or they'll say, oh, I need, I want to hear Beth's book or get her book. because that, that, that's why I, I. Offer a lot of different solutions to my caregivers because one solution may not be the right one for them, but I eventually they'll find one that works.

Beth: And,

Diane: I really love your approach to everything.

it's just kind and gentle approach to your soul and your body.

Beth: Oh, I'd love to share another, just in hearing you talk, I thought of another thing that might. For people hear. Yes. So I often talk about these various tools. I'm very concrete, I'm a visual, thinker and learner. So this tool of the anchor, the tool of the flashlight.

But I have another tool that I call the magnifying glass. And this one helps with the mental habit. And going back to your question while back about these, being aware of these mental habits. So we have, What I affectionately call the Velcro problem, named after what Rick Hanson, who's a neuropsychologist, says that our brains are like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.

And so based on the way that our brain is wired, yeah, we needed to pay attention to all of the dangerous and bad and negative things that was happening to help us survive. Yeah. But the positive ones don't quite,Have necessarily the same impact. Yeah. And we can sometimes lose sight in the context of very real stress and challenge and caregiving and all that people are doing.

Sometimes we can miss these little positive moments that are also here that can nourish us and that can help reset our nervous system. Yes. So I think about this tool of the magnifying glass. can we also, it's so important to not, Push away any of our feelings. Like I, oh, I shouldn't be feeling this way, or I'm feeling sad, I'm feeling grief, I'm feeling anxious.

no, it's okay. We, just to name and acknowledge that. And if we also, in another hand, I'm holding the magnifying glass and say, are there any little moments in my day that maybe if I'm not using this magnifying glass might just slip away and I can think of a particularly powerful moment for me?

Back in the summer when my dad was,really in the throes of, I think at that point he had been on hospice care and it was clear that he wasn't going to, he was actually dying. Yeah. Yeah. but I try to go for a morning walk every. Morning. And so on this particular day, I was walking up and down my street and I just felt so much enormous grief and sadness.

And at the same time, the sun was just rising above the trees. And it was just this beautiful, day, and the birds were singing. It was this early morning experience and I just put a hand on my heart and I said to myself, this too. this grief is and sadness is here.

Yeah. And this too is, let me not miss this moment of feeling held in nature. Yeah. And just being, and take in Yes. What's there. And it's not like it made the other go away, but it just brought a moment of some ease and spaciousness and maybe even a sense of, yeah. Okay, I can just breathe a little deeper in this moment and making whatever's there more bearable.

Yes.

Diane: I just, my son was a disabled vet and he completed suicide 14 years ago. He had a terrible pain condition, sorry. And, his anniversary, is really hard for me. And, I re, I live in Myrtle Beach, so I go to the beach as often as possible and that's my healthy mental health zone for me.

because when I'm feeling those. Feelings of sadness or, grief. Actual grief. 'cause you can still grieve for however long I, 'cause I too lost my mom at 17. So I, I know what it's like to not be. Go through life without having a mom to connect with. And I do go to na into nature, whether it's at the beach or whatever, to reconnect with the world because it just makes me feel better and makes me feel, connected in times when I feel alone.

so I really, like that, that analogy of that you, you'd give. So can you tell me what role do compassion and self-kindness play in building resilience through life's challenges?

Beth: Oh, that's so huge. I know. So huge and so hard. Yes. just by our human condition that we, that inner critic can be so strong sometimes Uhhuh.

but I think in terms of, I. Feeling some of these difficult emotions. Our inclination can often be to try to push it away or to get rid of, just again, part of our human nature. And we're wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. And even though that pain we're wired to avoid is more physical and external in nature.

I in our modern lives, it's the physical pain that we often Yes. Try to avoid. And so self-compassion can be such a helpful piece of learning how to make what, I guess the way I say it with my patients is learning how to make space for some of those more difficult emotions. Yes. and. Almost, and we'll do some of these mind-body exercises in the office sometimes of, imagining opening the door and inviting in sadness to come have a seat on the couch somewhere, or to invite in anxiety to come have a seat and what might it say and what might it need or want from you.

and but being able to be compassionate with oneself. In those moments. and to know that it's okay that whatever I'm feeling is just part of my human experience. Yes. and part of practicing self-compassion can be, as I mentioned before, even thinking about what would I say if it was somebody else?

Because that's often easier Yes. To come up with the compassionate statements. And then can I talk to myself in that voice? Can I talk to myself? as if the same way I'd be speaking with a good friend. So sometimes it might feel a little funny to do that at first, but it can create a little bit more space for just the feelings to be as they are without that judgment.

I love that. Yeah. And then sometimes we can be compassionate with ourselves through actions, also through little actions of self care. And I talk with people sometimes about this idea of buckets of wellbeing. And we all have buckets of wellbeing, these different categories of things that when we engage in them, they move us in the direction of wellbeing.

And like you said, for yourself, like being in nature In certain places, that may be one bucket of wellbeing for you. Yes. For some people in another bucket of wellbeing might be just feeling a connection with someone. Yeah. another bucket of wellbeing might be doing something that involves creative expression.

another bucket of wellbeing might be, engaging the senses, maybe listening to music or taking a warm bath or, so with all these different buckets of wellbeing and just thinking about as an act of self-compassion, how can I put one drop? In one bucket today. what is one I like that thing I could do for myself to really just take care of whatever's here, including the parts that might be, parts of myself that might be hurting right now.

Diane: Oh, that's lovely. So Beth, if our listeners could start with just one change or shift today to improve their mind body connection, what would you recommend? Ooh, that's a good question.

Beth: I think I would probably recommend, and one is just holding this notion of small moments many times. So just many resets, just putting a hand on the heart.

And, acknowledging, this is a difficult moment. And breathing in, just this breath and breathing out just this moment. even that, right? Just, yeah, because the, I guess ultimately it's about bringing awareness Yes. Into whatever's here. And if we can do that, if we can just take 30 seconds and put a hand in our heart and that sends.

Messages to the nervous system that it is calming and soothing. It's a gesture of self-compassion. It acknowledges there's something difficult here in this moment. And then we intentionally just maybe take a breath and a slow exhalation. and it brings us into the moment. It steps us out of that mind spiraling to wherever it might otherwise do.

And it can just ground us right here for even if it's just 30 seconds. Yeah. That can help to interrupt the stress response and sometimes then can help us have access to more inner resources to move forward into those next moments of our day. But so ultimately cultivating,these little moments and just as great general sense of awareness, can I begin to pay attention and really noticing.

What's moving me in the direction of wellbeing? Are there little things I'm already doing? Which I imagine every single listener absolutely is. But can I really bring more attention and awareness to that so I can do more of that?

Diane: Beautiful. I wanna thank you so much for spending some time and sharing some valuable information.

There's so much there in, in this podcast. Beth, how do people find you and your books? Oh yeah.

Beth: Thank you. So as far as my books, they're definitely on Amazon and any other, probably, major book outlet places. and my website is probably the easiest place for people to find me, which is just beth curlin.com.

Diane: Okay.

Beth: B-E-T-H-K-U-R-L-A-N-D and there's a contact button there if people wanna reach out. I always love to hear from people. There's a lot of resources on my website. I do, free monthly blogs and I have audio courses and also information about my books and some classes that I run. And, that. I'd love to, yeah.

Talk more with people

Diane: about, so yeah, when we will put all this in our show notes, and then I'll actually create a whole,a permanent page on the caregiver relief website so that, there will always be a contact, links to your sites and to your book so that people can find you, my listeners can find you.

Now to my family caregivers out there, you are the most important part of the caregiving equation. Without you, it all falls apart. So please learn to practice self-care every day. Learn to be gentle with yourself because you are worth it.