Grief Doesn’t Just End—It Evolves with G. Scott Graham - Episode 93
Welcome to the latest episode of the "Caregiver Relief Podcast" with your host, Diane Carbo, RN, where we're tackling a topic that touches all our hearts: grief 💔. This episode features a truly moving and honest conversation with G. Scott Graham, author, coach, and self-described "existential handyman." Scott, who experienced the profound loss of his husband, Brian, before daring to love again, offers a perspective on grief that challenges common myths and misconceptions.
A Tale of Unconditional Love and Caregiving 🫂
The episode opens with Scott sharing a deeply personal story about caregiving that perfectly sets the stage for the discussion on grief and love. He and his husband Brian took on the role of caregivers for Scott's mother after she broke her hip in her nineties. Scott recounts how Brian, without hesitation, decided they should move to Florida to live with her, prioritizing family above all else. In a beautiful act of mutual sacrifice, his mother, who had vowed never to move north again, saw their love and compassion and chose to move in with them instead, where they cared for her for five years.
Challenging the "Stages of Grief" Myth 🤯
Scott and Diane dive deep into a widely misunderstood concept: the stages of grief. Scott, a therapist for decades, admits he regrets the "book learned knowledge" he used to dispense, which he now knows was often inaccurate and even harmful. He reveals that the "stages of grief," developed by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, were originally for people at the end of their lives, not for every type of loss, as they have been hijacked for. This expectation of a structured grieving process can make people feel like they're "not even doing the grieving part right," leading to more pain. Scott’s powerful takeaway is that there is "no right way to grieve".
The Unexpected Return of Grief through New Love ❤️🩹
The conversation takes a fascinating turn as Scott shares how falling in love again after Brian's death brought a new wave of grief. He describes this as "anticipatory grief," where he found himself filled with worry and anxiety, projecting a future loss and trying to "grasp and hold on" to his new partner, Peter. He candidly shares the profound realization that "all life ends" and that "pain always follows love". Scott’s insight is that avoiding pain would mean living as a "numb zombie" and that choosing to love again is an essential part of the human experience.
A Revolutionary Way to Offer Support 🤝
One of the most impactful moments in the episode is Scott's advice on how to support someone who has experienced a loss. Instead of asking how they are or avoiding the topic, he suggests asking a simple, yet powerful question: "How's your grief?". This approach acknowledges grief as a dynamic process—sometimes loud, sometimes quiet, sometimes intense, and sometimes not present at all. He shares how, after Brian died, people asked about his physical injuries far more than his grief, highlighting the deep need for a witness and a compassionate space to talk about loss.
Questioning "Complicated Grief" 🤔
The discussion also touches on the recently introduced diagnostic term "complicated grief". Scott provocatively questions the motivations behind such a diagnosis, pointing out that one of its criteria is that grieving "takes longer than the societal norms dictate". He uses the example of how being gay was once considered a mental disorder until the American Psychological Association voted to remove it from their list, suggesting that these diagnoses can sometimes be more political than factual. He even humorously admits that he embraced the diagnosis to train his dogs as service animals, allowing him to take them with him wherever he goes.
An Empowering Message for the Grieving Soul ✨
Scott leaves us with a truly uplifting and compassionate message: "how you're feeling is normal". He urges listeners to reject anyone who tries to put a timeline on their healing or push them through an "artificial process". Grief, he says, "is the price we pay for love". He even suggests that instead of offering condolences, we should congratulate those who are grieving for having had the courage to love so deeply.
This episode is a beacon of hope and a profound reminder that grief is an integral part of life's journey, not an obstacle to be overcome. It's about living with it, loving through it, and allowing ourselves to be gentle with our own healing process.
🎧 Listen to the full episode to hear more of Scott's incredible story and to find your own courage on the healing journey.
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Diane Carbo
Diane Carbo
Diane Carbo
Diane Carbo
Diane Carbo
